The Rules of Gaming (and Life); the Zen of Ben, Part 2

Over the winter break, Ben created a poster with rules for his DS game.  I found it today (under his favorite reading chair), and it struck me what wonderful guidance his “rules” provide for all of us.  The rules are (and the emphasis is his):

1. Take it EASY.
2. Take a Deep BREATH.
3. GENTLY flick the On switch.

I would like to “take it EASY” more often.  In this case, I’m not talking about relaxing, because I’m pretty good at that.  It’s more about “taking it EASY” on myself and others.  Being willing to enjoy and appreciate the quirkiness of people and day-to-day living.  I’d like to “notice with interest” more, and criticize less.

And if I could just remember to take a “Deep BREATH” in that nano-second before I flip my lid and say/do something I will immediately regret.  How I wish I walked my talk a bit better in that regard.

GENTLY–Gentle my too-loud voice, my anxious thoughts.  Walk gently, talk gently, make sure the message of love comes through to everyone in my life.

Thank you once again, Ben, for pointing me toward the light.

 

Thinking Positive

I sometimes hesitate to make New Year’s resolutions, remembering the many from years past that never got off the ground, or fell to the wayside after only a few weeks.  But hope springs eternal in my soul and I love thinking about/planning the future.  So in 2011 I’ll give resolutions another go.  Here’s what I have so far:

1. Keep a journal (I’ve made this one before, but I was re-inspired when I read this blogpost:  http://tinyurl.com/26ugzbs). If I can do phases one and two as the author describes, I’ll be happy.
2. Speaking of being happy, Gretchen Rubin has motivated me to create a Happiness Project of my own.  She spells it all out in her book of the same name (http://tinyurl.com/2648wgb). I’m beginning January with organizing my environment (closets, workspace, kitchen cupboards–the whole nine yards).  February will be “improve my relationships”.  Haven’t figured out March yet.  I hope I get that far. . .

What are your resolutions?  If you don’t make them, why not?  Would love to hear from you!

 

The Zen of Ben

Jim often jokingly refers to Ben as “Zen Master”.  Turns out, that moniker is right on the mark.  Here’s an example of little-boy wisdom that has something to teach all of us:

Let go on outcomes, or Enjoy the Process:  Ben wanted to make candles, a nostalgic redoux of a first-grade school activity.  (The teacher hasn’t repeated the activity since then!)  He collected our partially-burned, multi-colored Hanukkah candles, intending to use those for the wax for the new candles.  I asked him what color the wax would be if we combined all the colors.  Zen Master:  “Brown”.  Unaware Me: “Won’t those be ugly candles?”  Zen Master:  “Mom, it’s not what they look like in the end–it’s the fun of making them”.   Hmmm.

Who Am I?

Last weekend it was raining and Ben searched through all our old VHS tapes to find one taken during my 35th-birthday party, 23 years ago.  Watching myself on the screen was an eerie experience.  Sitting there in my living room, in 2010, it was really freaky to see my life back then, particularly because my world is so completely different now.

There I was, my hair long and red, surrounded by friends I rarely see today.  My mom was not in a wheelchair (that happened about 12 years later), I was married to an endearing man who is no longer alive, and my dear sweet Ben was not even a glimmer of a thought.

I could never have imagined in 1987 that 23 years later I would be remarried, be mom to a 10-year-old son, or have my own (small) business teaching parenting skills (of all things!)  If my life could change so drastically in that period of time, what could happen in the next 23 years?

Does such a drastic change mean that I have no focus, no stability, no clear path in life? Or does it mean that I flow with life, and make the best of what comes my way?  Have I always had the same purpose to my existence, and I’ve just found new ways to live it?

When I look back, I am glad for all that has happened in my life.  The aggregate of my experiences has made me who I am today.  I can see the thread of serving others in all my endeavors.  I am aware that I’m learning all the time, becoming more reflective, more cognizant of my “place” in this world.

I look back with gratitude for who I have been; I look forward with curiosity to who I will become; and I try to remain here in the present, appreciating who I am:  right here, right now.

Political Endeavors

Last Sunday Ben and I went to the South Bay Labor Council to “phonebank” in support of Measure A, which provides for continuing funding for Healthy Families in our county.  It was an incredible experience on many levels.

First, it was an opportunity to support an important issue in our community.  Even though we had a script to follow, we felt personally connected to the message that quality health care is vital to all children.

Second, we had the chance to take part in the political process; to gain a glimpse into the “behind-the-scenes” activity of pre-election day.  It was both interesting and inspiring.  We experienced being hooked up  by Skype to an auto-dialer that provided basic information about the person we were calling, along with handy drop-down menus to record how our party responded to the question “Can we count on you to vote for Measure A?”

A third, unexpected lesson, was realizing how bad it felt when people hung up on us.  Both Ben and I vowed that the next time a telemarketer calls, we will be gracious and respectful to the person on the other end of the line.   After all, this may be his or her way of earning a living (and a very hard way, at that!)

Finally, the bonding between me and Ben was deep and priceless.  At first, I made the calls while Ben operated the mouse to record our progress.  Soon he gained enough confidence to make calls himself, and I can’t even describe the joy I felt when he said, “Hi, my name is Ben and I’m a volunteer with the Yes on Measure A campaign. . .”  Hearing his sweet, enthusiastic, 10-year-old voice brought tears to my eyes, and “thumbs-up” from the volunteers around us.

I love all the opportunities Ben provides me to grow and move outside my comfort zone.  Before Ben, I never would have imagined myself volunteering to make “cold calls” on a political issue.  Having Ben in my life has opened my world, for which I am very grateful!

 

 

Life Lesson

Parents have asked, “What do I do when my child is upset because her best friend is playing with someone else?  How can I help her resolve this?”

The first thing is to realize you MAY NOT be able to resolve it.  This situation is one of those “life lessons” that are painful for us and our children.  It’s hard to see them suffering and we want to “fix it” right away.  It’s also one of our best opportunities to use empathy and active listening to let children fully feel and express their feelings, and for us to practice standing back and NOT rush in to solve the problem.

Some suggestions:

• Remember when we’re upset, we don’t have access to the higher powers that let us calmly reason things out.  We’ve “flipped our lid” and need time to regather.
• Use active listening: “You seem really upset”  Listen for the response and reflect it back.  “You’re upset that your friend has found someone else to play with. . .”
• When the child has regathered herself, curiosity questions can be helpful.  “What would you like to do about this?”  “What other choice could you make for yourself right now?”
• Give her space to come to her own conclusion.  Step back and trust her to figure it out.  Think:  Life Lesson; she will face this issue many other times, in many other ways.  Let her learn for herself that she is capable of making it through.  She will feel empowered, helping her build a strong sense of her self and her abilities. In the long run, that’s what we want for our children, right?

Apology of Action

Parents sometimes ask if they should force their children to apologize when they hurt another child with words or actions.   When we “make” children apologize, we may be teaching the unintended lesson of “if I say ‘I’m sorry’, I’m off the hook”.

When your child has hurt someone with words or actions, involve him in restoring the hurt relationship/person WITHOUT demanding an apology.  True empathy is a feeling, not a hollow 2-word sentence.  Involving the child by getting a tissue, ice, playing a game quietly with the person he hurt, etc. goes further along the restitution road than an un-felt “I’m sorry”.*

Apology of Action

In the “Responsive Classroom” newsletter, the idea of “apology of action” is explored.  We can apply the concept of “you break it, you fix it” to hurt feelings as well as broken objects: when a child hurts someone’s feelings, he does something to help fix those feelings.

An apology of action gives the children who have done the hurting an opportunity to do something to make amends.  The most important guideline for choosing an apology of action is that it’s related to the hurtful behavior. For instance, when a child had been excluded from a game, drawing that child a nice picture doesn’t work.  Inviting that child to play the next day does work because it’s related to the hurtful behavior.**

This type of apology can be far more meaningful than an insincere “I’m sorry”.  It is also a more effective way to teach the life skill of taking responsibility for our actions, which is something all of us want our children to learn.  Think: long-term parenting. . .

*Positive Discipline for Preschoolers Facilitator’s Manual, Nelsen, Erwin, and Duffy 2d revision, 2000

** Responsive Classroom Newsletter, Winter 1998 Vol. 10, No. 1

Whining child drives mom nuts!

Q.  My 3-year-old whines incessantly.  How do I stop it?  It drives me nuts!

A.  I completely relate to your irritation with whining–it’s in the top 5 on my list of Annoying Behaviors!  For children under the age of 4, our most effective tools are distraction, redirection, and supervision.  So what does that look like in your situation?  Here are a few ideas:

• Cover your ears and say, “Ooh, that hurts my ears!  Please use a different voice.” (Later, covering your ears itself can become a very effective  nonverbal cue to stop whining.)
• Or say, “I can’t understand you when you use that voice.  Please try again, without whining.”
• Tell your child, “I’m going to go into the other room.  When you can talk to me in your calm voice, please come see me.”  Then move away from the child; stay within sight.
• A variation of what to say when leaving the room is:  “As soon as you stop whining, I’d love to talk with you.”
• Give a hug and say, “Please use your big girl/boy voice.”

In some way, whining is “working” for your child.  If you make it clear (in a kind and firm way) that it no longer works, the whining should decrease.  Expect it to get worse before it gets better, though.  Children don’t like it when we start changing our responses and behaviors and will try hard to make us go back to our old (ineffective) ways.